I'm just writing this as it comes along cause I'm tired of being pissed about shit that I can't control anymore and that I don't understand. It's a fucking weight on my back and I'm sick of it. I'm not stopping to think cause if I stop to think then I'll realize that I probably shouldn't be doing this and that it's going to cause a whole lot of fuck problems but I don't care right now. This blog isn't a place for me to get moddy and fucked up about things but this needs to be done cause I just lay awake at night and think about it all but don't say anything and its causing too many problems, I don't feel like myself and I don't feel like I should and my creativity is dead because of it, so I need to say it and just get it done so I can be myself again.
I'm pissed off, I'm really fucking pissed off at my wife, or my ex-wife, or whatever the hell she is anymore cause i don't know. I thought she was someone but she's not the someone that I knew and not the someone that I thought was important. This is fucking sick, just a giant pile of shit that I don't understand, and I've tried to understand but i don't and its fucking wrong. You don't go and marry someone and then go and start fucking some other guy cause he ran away from you when you were fucking 12. You don't go and fuck up your marriage and do that kinda shit to someone who was bending over backwards and who cared. You don't fucking lie about it for a goddam year and then turn around and take pictures of it and leave it wide open on the computer to be fucking found, you don't do that shit. You don't make yourself feel better by joking that you're cheating and making it into a fucking game.
Fuck it all I don't think it meant shit anyway, I don't think that it even mattes anymore. Just a big fuck ass shit game, that's all it turned out to be. You turn around and act like it's not even happening, like the years didn't mean anything. Show the other people that we are ok, that we are separating and that we're all buddy buddy, fuck no, I'm tired of it. I'm sick of just being the nice guy who tries to make myself believe that it's allright and that it's all going to be fine. Fuck no.
I started off feeling like I was the guy standing in front of a damn thats got a million fucking holes and I don't have enough fingers to stop all the leaks and then I put my back against it until I get too tired to keep holding it up, my back hurts, my legs hurt, my stomach hurts and its not stopping the water so I finally decide to let it out, to let all the water out. This it is, its out.
I'm done with it all and I don't care if it matters to anyone at all, I just need to get it out and if nobody reads this then nobody fucking reads this. I really don't give a great big fuck about any of it anymore it just needs to come out.
It's that Live video with the water running down the street and washing the band away, its the line about the thunder crashing and the dolphins swimming and I realize now that I don't need to swear as much but it just felt like I had to start it like that and that it's just running on and I don't know when I feel like its going to be done but I'll know and then I can post this and finally sleep good because that weight will be gone. It will be off my shoulders and done with. Atlas Shrugged and dropped his weight, the weight of the world and its done with.
If you care you don't sneak around and lie about it. You don't act like it never happened and that its all roses and fucking sunshine in the end. You don't separate and think its all going to be acting like brothers and sisters and fucking sing song band and happy times. It doesn't work like that and it is false as a fucking television commercial. It doesn't mean anything cause its all still there, it's all still sitting there on a back shelf in an old dusty store room and someone things about it long enough to dust it off and open that little wooden box its in. They peek at it and remember why they put it there, in the vey back, in that little box and why they said they'd never look at it again but they do and each time they do they say they won't ever do it again but sometime they will just to remind themselves that they shouldn't look at it again.
That's what it all is, that's what all this shit is about, you can't erase that. Its doesn't go away and you can say sorry a hundred thousand times but it doesn't ever go away. You can't take back memories, if you didn't want those memories to happen then you wouldn't have made the moves you did. That's it, that's what it is. Its the bad memories, you regret it but you knew it was going to be bad to begin with, sometimes you can see that bad memory coming a hundred thousand days away, you can see its ugly face and its toothless grin but you still go and make it, you let it exist and it doest ever want to be forgotten, its always going to appear. The box will always be there.
I have said my peace <---intentional
R
I'm pissed off, I'm really fucking pissed off at my wife, or my ex-wife, or whatever the hell she is anymore cause i don't know. I thought she was someone but she's not the someone that I knew and not the someone that I thought was important. This is fucking sick, just a giant pile of shit that I don't understand, and I've tried to understand but i don't and its fucking wrong. You don't go and marry someone and then go and start fucking some other guy cause he ran away from you when you were fucking 12. You don't go and fuck up your marriage and do that kinda shit to someone who was bending over backwards and who cared. You don't fucking lie about it for a goddam year and then turn around and take pictures of it and leave it wide open on the computer to be fucking found, you don't do that shit. You don't make yourself feel better by joking that you're cheating and making it into a fucking game.
Fuck it all I don't think it meant shit anyway, I don't think that it even mattes anymore. Just a big fuck ass shit game, that's all it turned out to be. You turn around and act like it's not even happening, like the years didn't mean anything. Show the other people that we are ok, that we are separating and that we're all buddy buddy, fuck no, I'm tired of it. I'm sick of just being the nice guy who tries to make myself believe that it's allright and that it's all going to be fine. Fuck no.
I started off feeling like I was the guy standing in front of a damn thats got a million fucking holes and I don't have enough fingers to stop all the leaks and then I put my back against it until I get too tired to keep holding it up, my back hurts, my legs hurt, my stomach hurts and its not stopping the water so I finally decide to let it out, to let all the water out. This it is, its out.
I'm done with it all and I don't care if it matters to anyone at all, I just need to get it out and if nobody reads this then nobody fucking reads this. I really don't give a great big fuck about any of it anymore it just needs to come out.
It's that Live video with the water running down the street and washing the band away, its the line about the thunder crashing and the dolphins swimming and I realize now that I don't need to swear as much but it just felt like I had to start it like that and that it's just running on and I don't know when I feel like its going to be done but I'll know and then I can post this and finally sleep good because that weight will be gone. It will be off my shoulders and done with. Atlas Shrugged and dropped his weight, the weight of the world and its done with.
If you care you don't sneak around and lie about it. You don't act like it never happened and that its all roses and fucking sunshine in the end. You don't separate and think its all going to be acting like brothers and sisters and fucking sing song band and happy times. It doesn't work like that and it is false as a fucking television commercial. It doesn't mean anything cause its all still there, it's all still sitting there on a back shelf in an old dusty store room and someone things about it long enough to dust it off and open that little wooden box its in. They peek at it and remember why they put it there, in the vey back, in that little box and why they said they'd never look at it again but they do and each time they do they say they won't ever do it again but sometime they will just to remind themselves that they shouldn't look at it again.
That's what it all is, that's what all this shit is about, you can't erase that. Its doesn't go away and you can say sorry a hundred thousand times but it doesn't ever go away. You can't take back memories, if you didn't want those memories to happen then you wouldn't have made the moves you did. That's it, that's what it is. Its the bad memories, you regret it but you knew it was going to be bad to begin with, sometimes you can see that bad memory coming a hundred thousand days away, you can see its ugly face and its toothless grin but you still go and make it, you let it exist and it doest ever want to be forgotten, its always going to appear. The box will always be there.
I have said my peace <---intentional
R
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