A new motivation

I woke up this morning and for some reason I've got a huge desire to write, something longer than a couple of pages.  I feels like I want to write something up in the range of a book chapter.  I really can't explain it at all and there isn't a specific topic that I feel the chapter would be about but I think that it could me a move toward getting back to regular writing and getting back to Moderating in the writing group that I'm part of.

Writing is strange like that.  There are times when you really don't feel like doing anything, you just want to sit and consider but not actually do any writing.  There are times when writing a few sentences or a page will suffice and you're set for the day then, like this, there are times when you feel like you could write an entire book and then just keep it running on.  It's very much a tide, it comes in and goes out, is strong at times and is weak at others.
I don't know what it is I'm going to end up writing about but I do know that it will probably continue wanting to be written, which is fine by me.

Off to the writing desk, which is actually my computer desk, which is where I'm sitting already anyway.
Yeah...

Peace,

ClX

How now unused cow

This is where I'm supposed to say that I've run back to my writing group and have become an incredibly productive member, helping others with my great insight and wisdom while providing solid work to back up my pursuits of being a semi-accomplished writer.
Well I haven't done any of that, not really.
I've checked in with the writing group here and there, even had to induct a new member or two but beyond that I've not posted anything of significance there in a while still.
I have been writing though, in my writing journal.  I've churned out some personal dialogue that is masquerading as something far larger and grander.  Part of me feels that I'm missing the mark with what my writing is supposed to be.  I've normally written horror/sci-fi type works, some off beat humor here and there but for the most part the horror/sci-fi was where I was.  Now I'm finding that with my recent life experiences I'm falling more in the direction of Spiritual.  Not that I'm complaining, I think there might be a good marriage between my past genres and the current one that I've been sidling into that could produce some very interesting and very heavy works.
I have a little time off tomorrow and then late next week that I will work on getting some production value into what I've been thinking.
Might as well test the waters to see if there is anything down there that I can drill for.

I wish I had more to write about but with my own writing drive going through a near dry spell I'm hard pressed to come up with more things to talk about when it comes to my own writing journeys.

Peace,

ClX

Struck with an Idea

I'm still sitting around with the 'intention' of writing some great and epic work of art that will make the collective eyes of the world bleed.  I seem to really be good at the procrastination thing and finding other things to do to put off what it is that I want to accomplish.  I think that I'm going to have to take a tough love approach to this and force myself to sit down and write, no other way around it.
My life is in a position where I'm going to have to put myself into the work or perish, at least that is the way I feel about it.  My job, though wonderful, isn't nearly enough to pay for what I need and what my son needs.  Making $10/hour is less than respectable considering what it is that I actually do.  It's where I am in my life though and if I want to make a change then I'm going to have the instigate the change myself, it's not just going to happen overnight.
I looked into other jobs this afternoon and quickly realized that there is scare little out there and what there is wouldn't put me in any better position than what I'm already in.  At least where I am I'm comfortable and am able to work with the schedule that I get.  I feel its now a matter of sleep when I can, work at night and do some writing in any and all free time that I get.

An idea that was brought up to me, totally by coincidence and without the other person even knowing that I had been thinking about ways to push myself into novel writing, was to write a chapter and post it online, on the blog.  I have a link to Brandon Sanderson on the side, this is something that he did.  Now even though his blog is listed on my side links its not actually a site I tend to visit very often.  Andrew, one of the guys I work with, on the other hand tends to visit it on a regular basis and this is something that Brandon did with one of his novels.  He posted the chapters as he wrote them.  He posted the rough drafts, then he posted the revised copies of the chapters all the way through until the completed version was put up for download.  I understand the fact that no money was made, in that way, by what he did but it did allow people to take a genuine look at the process as well as feel as if they were involved in the writing of the book that he was working on.  I think it is a maginifecent idea and one that I think I will give a shot to in the near future.  To line up with this there is a new project up in the writing group that I'm part of, to write the first chapter to a novel that you would someday like to write.  I honestly think that this is a hefty push by the universe to motivate me into writing something longer than a short story.
Now I just need to come up with an idea that I feel is able to be pushed, pulled and expanded to reach novel proportions.

Peace,

ClX

Why am I avoiding writing?

I have done some writing in the last little while but nothing that I can truly say was a 'good effort' and to tell you the truth I'm not totally sure why that is.
I know with what I've recently come into, being a single father and all, I have been under a decent amount of stress to not warrant wanting to write.  At the same time though I've always enjoyed writing I just don't have the motivation to keep a steady pace of it up.
I have the internet now so its not like I can't get onto my Writing Workshop on Gaia and pick the string back up where I left it.  I know I'm always welcome back there and that the would be more than ecstatic to have me back for the writing and crit abilities and my Moderator position.

So why am I avoiding it?
I can blame it on writers block but truthfully I don't feel blocked.  I don't feel that my imagination has been properly exercised in a little while and that I may be a bit rusty as far as Free Fall Writing goes.  I don't have the drive or the motivation to keep myself going at it.  I love writing and I know that I'm good at it, I know that I can be tons better if I kept it up and kept working at what I am doing and what I am able to create.

Why am I not motivated to write?
A good question that I don't really know if I know the answer to.  Maybe I'm afraid of actually accomplishing something.
Then what?
So I accomplish something and then I have to follow it up with accomplishing something else and then something after that.  It's like walking, once you start you really can't stop it, you have to keep putting one foot in front of the other, eventually you end up somewhere in the world.

Am I justified in being scared to write?
No.  Simply no.
I have talent, I have ability, I have the imagination and the creativity to create.
I don't use it because I am scared to be good, one of the best perhaps, at something.  That I will be a standard that other people are measured against.

Is that something to be scared of?
It's not.  I shouldn't be scared or afraid to be good.  I shouldn't shy away from sharing what I can and know I can do with other people in the world.
This is going to be an obstacle for me, I know it is and I'm going to have to remind my self on a regular, perhaps daily basis, that I can do this and that I can make myself wonderful in the world of writers and authors.

Peace,

ClX

A few days away

I've been gone for a few days.  The process of moving, the setting up a new apartment, the transitioning of life from being married to being single.  It's actually quite a process that I took for granted on several levels before I had to do it entirely on my own.

Have I written anything in the last few days that I've been away?
Kinda.
I've done a little writing here and there.  There was something that I just did that I think is going to be a tremendous push for myself and the new life that I am involved in.  I've created a second blog Diary of a Single Father, I'll post the link for it over in the side column.  The idea behind the second blog is to explore the life that a single father leads.  If I am able to I want to push the boundaries of what a single parent actually is by going into depth on the blog, finding similarities and differences between single fathers and single mothers, what they are going through and the things they fear and face.

Why am I doing a blog about being a single father?
There are a number of reasons.  For me the one the keeps coming up is that there is not enough information about being a single father.
You come across stuff about being a single parent, in the end that single parent, in most texts, turns out to be a single mother, the single father being a foot note as something that happens also but is a rare occurrence (like the Toxic Avenger).  I want to push something out into the world (a man baby) that someone that identifies with me can come along, find, read and say that sounds a lot (or a bit) like me and I think that I can take what he's saying/writing and use it in my life.

I'm going to keep this blog going as well, as identified before this is dealing with the writing side of my life so there is going to be some cross-over with this and my other blog since...well I have to write the other blog, as well as continue working on my short stories and other aspects of writing.

There is more re-working that I have to do with this blog still.  I'm not happy with how the layout was left, so I'm going to need to figure out exactly what I'm doing with it and get it done.  Thankfully I have some vacation coming up in the next week so I can sit and really ponder what I'm trying to make this blog look like, and come up with some visual ideas for my second blog as well.

Take a moment to check out my second blog over on the side, I've only got the opening post up but I think it's a good start.

Peace,

ClX

To a Halt

For the moment a lot of stuff I've been working on has ground to a halt largely due to the fact that I'm very close to moving.  With a little luck I should be able to get the keys today from the property manager and then I can start moving my stuff in.  I don't intend to get it all moved in immediately, it's going to be a few days at least before its all good to go.
With that said I do feel bad that I've not actually written anything as far as creative writing goes and even for the last few days neglected the blog.  I'm at a stance where I feel that everyday I should be doing one or the other.  With the recent lack of writing on my part I've let a lot of time pass with no action in the Gaia writing group I'm part of and as a Moderator of the group I'm beginning to feel like, at the moment, I'm mostly just there for the title, which is not the actual case.
Re-prioritizing my life after the move is going to be the first thing that I do and none to soon, I really want to look at redirecting myself back into creative practices, that's where I've always excelled and the more I push myself in that regard I find the more I am able to expand on what I do at work and in other areas of my life.  I'm also very intent on getting my little guy to open up creatively as well, I've noticed sparks in him here and there with his imagination and I want him to let that out.  He's already shown that he's above where he needs to be for reading, now I want him to start taking steps in other directions, find things that he really loves doing and then let that aspect run wild.

Not much of an update I know, that's how it is at this point, just keeping lines out here and there so that the world doesn't think that I've dematerialized.

Peace,

ClX

The changes so far

At this point I'm still working on the changes for the blog.  As you can see the title of the blog has changed as well as the background.
With the background I'm still not totally happy, I feel it's closer to what I want but that its still not there yet so I'm still going to be working on it and along with that the rest of the windows as I'm unsure how I want them to look in the end.
I'm very happy with the title it has several meanings, it can be taken literally...my life In words...meaning my life as I write it.  It can be taken as...my life In words...meaning my life inside the words I write (oh yea that's deep).  It can also be taken as...my life In words...meaning my inward journey through writing (even deeper, oh yea).  Multiple meanings all interconnected and holistic in the end, I like it.

Speaking of Holistic I've started reading the second Dirk Gently novel from Douglas Adams and currently I'm on the fence about it.  I'm only 5 chapters in so still not very deep into it, though its not a long book so 5 chapters really is more significant than it seems.  I loved the first book 'Dirk Gently's Holistic Detective Agency' was very clever and interesting and very enjoyable.  This one I'm not so sure about.  I'll continue reading it and have no doubt that I'll finish it, that's not the problem its not unreadable at all.  I think what the difference is here is that in this one Dirk is his own character, he is the focus character and you get his internal dialogue and thoughts, something that was missing from the last one, he was not the lead character though he was the character that did all the leading in the end he was primarily the guy who did all the solving but you never learned anything deeper about him other than what the main characters knew about him before he named himself Dirk Gently.
I want to like this book more than I do at this point but maybe as I get deeper into the book I'll change my mind about it.

Something I find I'm starting to pick up while working on this blog is CSS script.  With the use of Firebug I'm becoming more and more used to looking at and deciphering CSS Script.  I knew HTML pretty good back in highschool and used it to design web pages on various sites and though HTML is still practical to a small degree it's becoming less and less advantageous though still usefull simply by the fact that it helps you work out some of what you are seeing when you look at CSS code that blogger/blog spot templates use.  Nothing wrong with picking up a new language, a new computer language...lol...hrm I may have to get that looked into.

Peace,

ClX

Blog Re-imagined

I've been doing a little thinking over the last couple of days, aside from the revamp look of my blog, which may change even further depending on how I feel about what I'm thinking, but a good blog should have a running theme or at least an overall idea linking it together.
Currently my blog is a random series of thoughts and stores with no real theme running behind the background other than my life, which is actually a pretty broad topic.  It does work for some people but they focus on distilling a certain aspect out of it all, like Angry John Seller (link on the side) puts up interesting and sometimes random stuff but in the end he still has something to be angry about.

I've decided I need to distill my blog down to something further, something smaller than just my life but not so small that it runs out of steam and interest, doesn't mean there won't still be chance encounters of random life topics or aspect incorporated into it sometimes and I have no intention or re-restarting by blog, I'll just alter and re-imagine (the new trendster word for redo or remake) from here forward.
I have the rest of today off so I'll see what if I like the changes and alterations that I come up with enough to put them into effect.  If not then I guess the blog stays as is and that's that.

Peace,

ClX

The Occult

I've discovered I'm an occult fanatic.  Not fanatic in that I spend my every waking hour and minute digging up information and memorizing it, more along the lines of I'm a big sucker for it.  Now don't get me wrong I don't call those phone psychics and ask them about my future, most of them have phony accents anyway, I'm talking more along the lines of a large part of the material that I read.
Two of the main comics (or graphic novels for you mainstreamers) that I read are Hellboy and Hellblazer.  Now aside from the names which indicate devil worship (I'm on to you Church of Latter Day Saints) there is a lot of occult and magic involved in them.  This is also something that is present in a lot of the novels that I read which circle around sci-fi and fantasy.  I've also been getting into more real world applications of occult like Astral Projection and Remote Viewing.

Why does this interest me?
I think its the mystery of the unknown, the fact that you are unsure of what will be there when you get to the other side of what you're looking at.  There is so much we really don't know about our world and the universe that these are steps that show us that its not all about just getting up everyday and going to work, there are larger forces at work that we can tap into and take a ride on.
Some of these things can't be denied.  The writings in Hellblazer and Hellboy have basis on current research and on past legends, stories that have been handed down for generations and generations, stories that shaped our ancestors back to the early days of the earth.  If stories have held since then, obviously taking new shapes with each generation that gets it, there has to be something we find magical in the story to keep it going, there has to be something other worldly in order to want us to tell it to someone else.
The legends of old are mostly shaped out of 'misunderstanding'.  An old woman might have been a base psychic and finds she is able to help people with her abilities by giving them advice.  She becomes labelled a witch but through generations of stories she is given a name and becomes the Baba Yaga.  That's how these things work.  Misunderstandings of the past create the reasong to research other worldly powers for future generations, to corroborate or disprove these things.

As it goes we're finding more and more that there are deep truths to these 'strange' stories and that people really are far more powerful, within themselves, than has ever been realized before.

Peace,

ClX

Matters of Interest

The last few days have been something of an interest.
First I got a chance to watch the other 2 movies that I had picked up the other day, School of Rock doesn't count cause I've seen it before and knew it was good.  Forbidden Kingdom and Appaloosa.
Both were a let down.  Forbidden Kingdom I had expectations for going into it since it had Jackie Chan and Jet Li, I was very very disappointed in the overall movie and what it turned out to be.  Too much was trying to be accomplished and it never really got off the ground and got me involved in it.
Appaloosa I was led to believe, by the back cover, that it was a good ol' gun fighting movie, like the Sharon Stone version of Quick and the Dead (fantastic movie!), I was wrong on a number of different levels.  The only really cool character in the movie was the sidekick played by Viggo Mortenson (spelled wrong I'm sure).  Renee Zellwegger was a pain in the ass and a total distraction that you could see coming a mile away, useless on every level.  Ed Harris played his part well when Renee Z wasn't around.  The other bit characters were good and I liked Jeremy Irons as the bad guy, they didn't let the stand off between Ed Harris and Jeremy Irons develop far enough and the ending was about as anti-climactic as a movie can get.  It had a few food spots but it wasn't a bullet driven western, or even a story driven western.

I've been asked to design a logo for a fish company on the East Coast.  It was something that came up this afternoon at work, one of the guys I work with is leaving to go back to a position in the offices of a new fishery company out on the East Coast and was trying to design a logo in Word.  After he found out I had Photoshop experience he asked me to come up with something and if the company likes it he'll see if I can get paid for it.
I'm not expecting anything, it does give me an excuse to really get into the workings of Gimp.  I've sworn off Photoshop since its a gigantic system hog.

Lastly I've done some developing of a character I founded a little while ago and stuck into a script I wrote for the April Script Frenzy challenge.  I finished the script, was only happy with the last half of it.  I'd been rolling around how to edit it and tighten it up immensely and I think I have the idea for it.  If it looks like its going to work out well then I might be able to look at turning it into a comic book, which is would no end of cool, in my opinion.

S'all for now.

Peace,

ClX

Surprisingly Good

Yesterday, in my crap mood I made several purchases.  I was smart about it and I am well aware that you can't buy yourself out of a bad mood, I wanted to do something for myself though.  Spend a few dollars on myself just because.
Went to Wally World and dug through their cheap bin, 2 for $10, picked up School of Rock which I thought was a fun movie with some good music and Wrestlemanica.  I'd never seen or heard of Wrestlemanica I mostly bought it on the fact that it promised to be a campy/cult horror movie and that it had a name I recognized, Rey Mysterio (not to be confused with Rey Mysterio Jr of the WWE which, should, he RM's son).
Wrestlemanica was surprisingly good.  It had a good mix of humor, interesting characters and story.  The villian was very well portrayed and the ending was funny in a good horror movie kind of way.  I found it far better than most of the stuff that has come out in mainstream Horror and would highly recommend it to anyone who likes a decent horror movie.  There are some extras that I've not checked out but that I will soon enough.
Aside from Wally World I dropped into Blockbuster and picked up 3 movies for the price of 2, I went with the 6.99 price range, a good selection but not over priced, the 6.99 to me is the premiere range for a good movie at Blockbuster.
Grabbed up Zach & Miri Make a Porno, Forbidden Kingdom and Apalooza.  Have been wanting to see Forbidden Kingdom and Apalooza was my freebie, haven't watched either of them yet but will probably do so tonight.
I did watch Zach & Miri and really enjoyed it.  Another Kevin Smith movie, this time with Seth Rogan but still including Jason Mewes though not in his usual Jay role.  Some good dirty humor along the lines of Superbad and 40 Year Old Virgin, a love story (which is something I don't normally go in for but it was interesting in this movie) and a pretty good cast of characters which is what really made the movie.  Each actor really made their own out of the characters they played, I really liked Jason Mewes who played someone quite removed from Jay and Seth Rogan did a good job doing what he does best the funny, akward real world sorta schmoe kinda guy.  Elizabeth Banks was very likeable as Miri and did an excellent job in contrast to Seth who is a very solid screen worker.

Fuck I'm gushing about these movies, that's not right.  Shouldn't do that anymore.  Mental note, no more gusing that's for the women and their Oprah movies.

Anything else....I like the library's Graphic Novel selection but that's another post for another day.

I'm out.

Peace,

ClX

Fucking Life Rant

I'm just writing this as it comes along cause I'm tired of being pissed about shit that I can't control anymore and that I don't understand.  It's a fucking weight on my back and I'm sick of it.  I'm not stopping to think cause if I stop to think then I'll realize that I probably shouldn't be doing this and that it's going to cause a whole lot of fuck problems but I don't care right now.  This blog isn't a place for me to get moddy and fucked up about things but this needs to be done cause I just lay awake at night and think about it all but don't say anything and its causing too many problems, I don't feel like myself and I don't feel like I should and my creativity is dead because of it, so I need to say it and just get it done so I can be myself again.

I'm pissed off, I'm really fucking pissed off at my wife, or my ex-wife, or whatever the hell she is anymore cause i don't know.  I thought she was someone but she's not the someone that I knew and not the someone that I thought was important.  This is fucking sick, just a giant pile of shit that I don't understand, and I've tried to understand but i don't and its fucking wrong.  You don't go and marry someone and then go and start fucking some other guy cause he ran away from you when you were fucking 12.  You don't go and fuck up your marriage and do that kinda shit to someone who was bending over backwards and who cared.  You don't fucking lie about it for a goddam year and then turn around and take pictures of it and leave it wide open on the computer to be fucking found, you don't do that shit.  You don't make yourself feel better by joking that you're cheating and making it into a fucking game.
Fuck it all I don't think it meant shit anyway, I don't think that it even mattes anymore.  Just a big fuck ass shit game, that's all it turned out to be. You turn around and act like it's not even happening, like the years didn't mean anything.  Show the other people that we are ok, that we are separating and that we're all buddy buddy, fuck no, I'm tired of it.  I'm sick of just being the nice guy who tries to make myself believe that it's allright and that it's all going to be fine.  Fuck no.
I started off feeling like I was the guy standing in front of a damn thats got a million fucking holes and I don't have enough fingers to stop all the leaks and then I put my back against it until I get too tired to keep holding it up, my back hurts, my legs hurt, my stomach hurts and its not stopping the water so I finally decide to let it out, to let all the water out.  This it is, its out.
I'm done with it all and I don't care if it matters to anyone at all, I just need to get it out and if nobody reads this then nobody fucking reads this.  I really don't give a great big fuck about any of it anymore it just needs to come out.
It's that Live video with the water running down the street and washing the band away, its the line about the thunder crashing and the dolphins swimming and I realize now that I don't need to swear as much but it just felt like I had to start it like that and that it's just running on and I don't know when I feel like its going to be done but I'll know and then I can post this and finally sleep good because that weight will be gone.  It will be off my shoulders and done with.  Atlas Shrugged and dropped his weight, the weight of the world and its done with.
If you care you don't sneak around and lie about it.  You don't act like it never happened and that its all roses and fucking sunshine in the end.  You don't separate and think its all going to be acting like brothers and sisters and fucking sing song band and happy times.  It doesn't work like that and it is false as a fucking television commercial.  It doesn't mean anything cause its all still there, it's all still sitting there on a back shelf in an old dusty store room and someone things about it long enough to dust it off and open that little wooden box its in.  They peek at it and remember why they put it there, in the vey back, in that little box and why they said they'd never look at it again but they do and each time they do they say they won't ever do it again but sometime they will just to remind themselves that they shouldn't look at it again.
That's what it all is, that's what all this shit is about, you can't erase that.  Its doesn't go away and you can say sorry a hundred thousand times but it doesn't ever go away.  You can't take back memories, if you didn't want those memories to happen then you wouldn't have made the moves you did.  That's it, that's what it is.  Its the bad memories, you regret it but you knew it was going to be bad to begin with, sometimes you can see that bad memory coming a hundred thousand days away, you can see its ugly face and its toothless grin but you still go and make it, you let it exist and it doest ever want to be forgotten, its always going to appear.  The box will always be there.

I have said my peace <---intentional

R

Yesterday...the Longest Day in History

I don't know what it was about yesterday but it never seemed to end.  It felt like it went on for a near indefinite amount of time.
I have suspicions about why it was so long, it didn't help that I was tired.  It was one of those kind of tireds where you feel like you need to stretch further than you are able to in order to be alright, that should make some kinda sense but perhaps not.  I was tired, that was the real point I guess, it wasn't just me though I know my co-worker, Bob, was tired as well and it wasn't because he didn't get enough sleep, he's old so he tends to sleep a lot.
Which leads me to a new factor, the weather.  I know there are people out there that are always complaining about the weather and going on about this or that...too much rain, not enough rain, too much sun, not enough sun, complain complain complain, it's easy to complain about something you don't have any control over makes you feel better.  It was overcast yesterday and I'm sure that was part of it.  In the last two years we've had a huge amount of rain and snow, more so than in any previous years I think.  This summer, like last summer, is turning out to be very wet and the continual cloud cover it playing a factor in not getting us enough sun when we know and expect nice days (at least this is my theory) so we're getting a kinda depressing summer.  Not a good thing, makes the year seem all run together.  You have a year that runs together then nobody really knows the different between one day and the next and then you end up with people all over the place screaming their heads off cause they don't know if its Monday or Tuesday, January or April, St Pattys Day or Hanakkua.

I still have a feeling like my creativity isn't where it should be.  I get the impression it's there, just under the surface waiting to float back to the top and get me going again but at the same time it feels like its not going to happen soon.  I'm hoping that once I get out on my own that that's going to change.  I know I feel kinda out of place where I am, still in the house with the family that's not really mine anymore.  Not to get all sad crappy crappy.  I also don't want to set an expectation that I'm going to have this huge kick of creativity once I'm on my own cause if I don't have it then I really am going to be depressed...well probably not but I won't feel that rush of excitement that I want to get wave of to push my writing and get me back into painting.
Take it easy as the Eagles say, it's going to be a slow process at first, trying to get settled and get scheduling worked out with my mom so that she can watch Andy.  I've also been thinking about when school starts up again, at that point I'm probably going to request a preference for evenings and midnights only because it will make things a little easier as far as getting Andy on the bus and making sure that he's got what he needs in the mornings.  That's a couple of months away still but I think that I'm going to talk to my Supervisor, Bud, about it sometime in the next little while just to ensure the ducks are in a row.
Lousy ducks, think they own Central Park, well I'll show them, I'll show 'em all.

Damn, I'm out of Earl Grey tea, what am I going to drink tomorrow morning?  Not donkey piss that's for sure.

Peace,

ClX

Needing a New Computer

Over the last year I've been trying to put a little money away each paycheck in order to get myself one of those fancy new Netbook computers.
Oh I know what some people are already saying, it's exactly what my ex-wife says/said...why would you want one of those, just get a regular laptop, those things are so small.
Exactly! That's why I want it.  I don't want a big laptop to carry around, granted laptops are far smaller and thinner than they used to be but for my purposes I don't need a laptop.  I wouldn't be using it to watch movies on, I would be using it to write.  I wouldn't want to load DVDs on it or CDs or anything like that.  If I did I could just connect it to my desktop computer, transfer the files to the Netbook and then I'm off and running.  Its small, it's simple, it's easy and portable, doesn't take up much room and isn't as unsightly trying to grab people's attention just so it can subtly say "look I'm using a fancy laptop because I'm obviously doing something so important I need to carry a big fat monitor around with me"
Now as far as my writing that's a goal of mine, to take it further and push it more.  I plan on getting more involved in the online writing group I'm part of and really trying to push it as well as myself.  I love the people in it and the founder of it is an excellent woman who really cares about all the people in the group.  I feel bad that I've not given it the time it deserves in the last few months but personal life being what it is I felt it best to just stay away, not wanting to drag my personal demons into that place, though in a lot of ways the writing and group mentality is a good way to exorcise those demons (and lemme tell you they need a lot of exorcising, those lousy fat out of shape demons, not ever getting off the couch to change the channel).

So far the blog changes have been small, a new background and an shrinking of the page title.  I want to fade the background color of this main box some so that the text is still looking separate from the background but at the same time the background is still slightly visible under the text.  I was also looking and adding a picture to the header box as well to give it a more custom feel.  I was considering adding-on Firebug to my Firefox so that I can really go to town with the custom on the blog as well as easily be able to steal and swipe code from other sites that have a good thing going for them (on the down side I would have to be careful that its actually cause if I try and hire Swiper the Fox to solve me swiping needs then it's going to turn into a giant clusterfuck with a small mexican girl and a booted monkey....its a shame that Swiper gets no respect, I would guess he'd actually have to be successful in stealing something though in order to get any respect).

Porn at 3am isn't as bad as you might think, it's kinda like a shot of coffee.

Peace,

ClX

Apartment Check

Thankfull the messy business of finding an apartment is now done and out of the way, mostly.  I've got a place secured at Princess Court, yes a frilly and quite gay sounding place that offers unicorn rides and flowery rose petal baths.  Actually it seems like a pretty good place, in the end the choice I had to make between the place on Main and the place at Princess Court came down to the school that Andy would be going to.  The last month's rent had been paid so now its just a matter of getting down to the office and getting the first month paid as well as getting the first year of checks in place.
I realized, in trying to get this place, that I'd not used my checks in a year so I still had the address previous to my current one on them.  The rent for this place was all paid using my ex-wife's bank account so my checks were never updated.  I've ordered replacement ones just so that I can move in a few weeks and then have to turn around and order more to another address.

In the last little while I've not felt as creative as I normally do and I'm not really sure why.  If I had to guess I think that part of me is gone into a hibernation mode or sorts until the messy 'real life' stuff is sorted out.  There is a lot of writing I want to do and I'm greatly looking forward to seeing what's going to happen with it once Andy and I are on our own.  I've also been planning on getting back into my Warhammer painting.  It's been just sitting for so long, I've not done a consistent amount of painting since the previous place where I had a painting desk setup in the basement.  It looks like there is going to be enough room to get a painting table setup so that I can get back into it and really work on pushing my creativity in new and different directions.

Birds in the morning annoy the crap out of me.  They just don't stop, I'm sitting here trying to wake up and they are going on like they have a whole social network to inform that there may or may not be a worm sitting under a pile of grass clippings in the yard on the corner.
Fuck you Bird.  Fuck you and your entire family...your entire lineage...and your entire species.

Peace,

ClX

Another Step

I've taken the next step in trying to get this blog more to my own liking and more to my vision of it, whatever that vision might be (some might not consider it a vision, more of a big mess on the wall).
Began working with Gimp to try and come up with a background that I like and I quickly realized that I've really let my Photomanipulation skills go.  It took my 10 minutes to figure out how to resize an image.  Granted Gimp is different than Photoshop, which I'm used to using from past experience...10 minutes though.  What a waste of a good portion of my day.  The interesting thing is I was going to use the work on my blog as a calming exercise, something to take my mind off the real world.

What's going on in the real world you ask?
Well I'll tell you....I would say.

Apartment hunting or apartment application handling.  I happened across a couple of decent places the other day.  One down on Main Street and one just a block from where I am now, both excellent places for my needs.  Problem is that I liked them both and for different reasons.  I had to take the night to sort it out and after sleeping on it (and by sleeping on it I actually mean not really sleeping at all but tossing around and then napping for half an hour) I decided on the one that's just down the street.  I felt it met more of my criteria than the one down on Main Street.
If it was free to make a decision and see the consequences of said decision without commiting myself I would have chosen the one on Main simply because size wise it was huge for a 1 bedroom, it was so big it was nearly a 2 bedroom.  The one I ended up taking is smaller, not by a huge amount but is in a very nice community oriented building which I think will be healthy for my little guy.

What else? Anything else?

Spots on cows are wrong, the world isn't just black and white...that means Michael Jackson is wrong too...but we everyone already knew that.

Peace,

ClX

Changes to the Blog

Doing some work on updating the look of the blog.  I've added some new 'I Follow' links on the side and updated a few that are lead to the dead space of the internet.
Internet dead space, not a friendly place to be that's where most of the unsavory pron (yes pron) sites are found, the ones with women trying to squirt 45 feet into a fat mexican man's mouth.  That's internet dead space.

Planning on doing some work on the layout of the blog too.  I've decided I only partially like the current layout.  I like the chinese characters in the background but at the same time I think that they are either too bright or too dominant for the look.  I don't mind the color so much but I would prefer to either tone it down or eliminate it all together.  I'm thinking that I'm going to have to dust off the 'ol Photoshop skillz and do some of my own work on this and stop using other people's templates.  I used to be pretty good in photoshop but in the last number of years I've let it go.  It also doesn't help that I dumped Photoshop in favor of Gimp, which is far less of a system hog but has its own learning curve.
So there may be some changes, drastic or not, but changes none the less.

Anything else...there's a couple of stuffed cats making out in an empty breadbasket next to my desk, that's news worthy, and for some strange reason there is a Noma AA battery laying next to them. 

Why is any of this important?
I have no idea but it's how I think and that's what I'm working on trying to accomplish, making the blog more of how I think and less of a news/information format that it was taking on.

Viva la Revolution (no la Vida cause I don't wanna get sued by Joe Satriani)

Peace,

ClX

*note: I do want to apologize, yesterday I mentioned Jason Rothfuss as an example when it should actually be Patrick Rothfuss, that's my bad.  All sorryness for anyone that would have been offended, though sometimes testing a different name here and there isn't a bad thing, allows you to work on a different identity if you ever find you have to go on the lam from the law.*

Am I Being Honest

Alright, something I've been wondering to myself about just in the last 24 hours is if I'm honestly being myself in this blog.  At first it wasn't something I was questioning, I was just finding something to write about and then writing about it.  Then at work one of my co-workers, Andrew on the topic of fantasy writers (not the erotic fantasy that I know so many people are fans of, the sci-fi/fantasy genre...pervs) showed me two blogs, one by Brandon Sanderson (who has taken over the Wheel of Time series after the death of Robert Johnson) and Jason Rothfuss who wrote a book about wind (I forget the title, The Name of the Wind or something like that).  They don't write their blogs just to write in their blogs and say stuff they tend to honestly attempt to be themselves in their blogs.  This is what started me thinking that I might not be projecting that honesty that is myself in this blog, that I'm 'putting on a show for the cameras' in this case the camera would have to be the audience which would be you who is reading this, then that begs the question who is then the audience of you are the camera and for that I have no answer....a mess.

I think I'm going to have to ponder this question just a little bit more, depending on the conclusion I come to I think that there may be some changes to the way my blog is written, or at least the way it is composed.

As for the layout that I know I have mentioned a couple of times I'm now of the mind that I like it again, and that it fits my needs.  I'm sure tomorrow that will change some and that I'll be back to not liking it but that is tomorrow and for today I like it like I like Jamacian Patties for lunch (it's real food not some sick dog turd joke that I'm trying to make to be clever....jerks).

Peace,

ClX

Funny Things

There's a lot I keep intending to talk about here but each time I get ready to something else appears that seems more relevant at the time.  For example just the other day at work I came across a booklet talking about various fundraisers through the 2008/09 year, things like MS, AIDS and so on.  There was one that caught my by surprise, not because there was fund raising for it but because of the slogan they had for it.

Hemophilia Ontario
"Help Stop The Bleeding"

Now I understand what Hemophilia is, I understand the need to raise money for it, I understand the want to raise awareness for it but with a slogan 'Help Stop The Bleeding' that seems a little to 'jab you in the eye with a fork'.  I had to do a double take with it and then question it.  Why would you use something that is a fundamentally negative toward the people you are raising money for.
If it was one person who came up with the slogan for this they should be drug out in to the street and shot.  If it was a team of over paid people that came up with the slogan they should all be burned at the stake and their ashes doused with salt.

Of course maybe I'm the only one that has a problem with this, or even sees it this way.

Now that I'm off track what I was intending to say was that I was originally going to blog about the Hemophilia Ontario slogan (see above) but then there were issues at home and more specifically in the cupboards with mice so that was the new topic that was going to take precedence over Hemophilia for the blog, now something else that I feel even more strongly about has come up and that is the issue of creativity in school and in life.

The other night I got an email about genius in children and the lack of creativity in the school system that is hindering our childrens ability to be positive people as well as nurture genius type gifts.  I've only read a little on it and have yet to watch the video attached to the email and articles, which is the only thing stalling me at the moment from writing a full blog on the information.

Again I'm getting off track a little, in the end this was to be a blog about Creativity in the Education system by way of mice in my cupboard (make all the jokes you want about that one) by way of Hemophilia Ontario (again make more jokes, I know I would).  I think in the end its become very little of all three.

I'll try and sort all this out and post a proper enrty on a single topic soon enough.

Peace,

ClX

Happenings

Aside from realizing I really need to make a point of sitting down and doing a blog entry when I have an idea there's something that I'm really feeling a little off about.  That's apartment hunting.  I'm in the process of looking for a place, 1 bedroom, for me and my son (5).  Based on my income I can comfortable afford something in the range of 500-700, preferably inclusive cause it just makes life easier.
Today I took a look at 2 places, both were well below the value that they were being listed as.
One place listed as $625 was a 2nd floor apartment...no big deal.  The problem is that the stairs going up to the second floor were collapsing, on top of that I'm almost positive that the tenants that were in there before were addicted to Meth, probably not cookers but users no doubt.  There were broken windows very dirty cupboards.  There was a man in painting and he nearly got stuck in the bathroom which was so small that if you stepped inside and took a breath you'd get stuck between the sink and toilet.  Not worth the price at all.
The second place I took a look at was slightly larger, maybe, but as far as a 1 bedroom it was an exaggeration, it was more like a segregated bachelor apartment.  There was a kitchen, off the kitchen was the bathroom and a single bedroom which would have to double as a living room so as it stands that was it, not much else.  The location was far better than the previous one but as far as price goes it wasn't $650 inclusive.
There was one place that I've been looking, or trying to look into.  It's several doors down from where I am now.  I talked to the guy on the phone and it sounds very reasonable.  $690 inclusive, is a large (according to him) with a parking space (should I ever get a car) it's close to my work, my little guy would be able to go the same school that he's already at.  It has all the makings of an excellent place, on top of that the people that own it have a son a year older than my guy so he would have a playmate.  Problem is that I talked to him the other day and left my number, he assured me that once his wife got home that he would call and setup a time for me to view the place.  That was on Tuesday, today is Thursday.  I called this morning and left a message on their machine with my name and number and asked them to give me a call back to setup a time, still no response.  I am very interested in this place but I'm a little pissed that I'm getting nowhere with the people that own it.
I'm wondering if they are stalling because they are waiting for someone specific to come along and ask for it, holding it for someone they already know.
I hope that's not the case and that they are just too busy to take a moment to call, or that there are currently tenants that haven't given any time frame for when the place can be shown.
In the mean time I'm going to have to keep looking in other areas.

I should really also consider looking for another template for this blog, I'm starting to dislike this one more and more.

Peace,

ClX

An Early Start

Woke up at 2:30 this morning, not really able to sleep but not feeling really tired at all.  I decided it might be best to get up and do something seeing as I wasn't going back to sleep at all.
What better time to blog than super early in the morning.
I was considering what to actually write about.  There are some topics I intend to cover, just at the moment it doesn't feel right to go into them.  It's not that they are heavy or shocking topics I just don't feel that right now is the best time to go trekking through them.
I do want to cover the topic of writing as in story writing or book writing.
I consider myself, to some degree, a writer.  I enjoy writing stories and I tend to think I'm fairly good at it.  At some point I'd like to become a professional writer, if that is still possible.
What I'm rapidly discovering though is that very few people, at least these days, are professional writers alone.  It seems that many have 'day jobs' with writer being the secondary or supplemental income for them.  There tends to be very few 'pro writers' out there these days and I have an idea that some of this is due to lack of government funding, lack of agencies/places that help support new or struggling writers and also the economy.
I think the first two are fairly straight forward in their names alone, the Canadian Government though it likes to show people it supports the arts tends to be (at least currently) having tight coffers when it comes to arts spending.  At the same time with the lack of federal/provincial funding there are few if any places that help get young or struggling writers published, it is very much up to the writer to do that on their own, now thanks to the internet that makes sending writing submissions easy as pie but still there is a lack of concrete knowledge and support in getting that confidence up for the young writer.
The big one to me is the economy, it is not viable at all for a writer to 'just be a writer' they have to have something to support themselves and use the writing as a supplemental way of making a living.  That has it's up and its down side.  Up being that the writer has a steady source of income, down being that having a primary focus other than writing takes time away from the writers actual task of writing and if there was more time to devote to writing then the writer, with the proper support, might be able to make a 'pro' go at it and become the 'Next Big Thing' in the writing world.

There tends to be a lot of snags along the way in becoming a writer and I'm sure this is a topic that I'll be coming back to in the not to far off future, if only to deepen my own thoughts on the subject.  I think this blog can be looked at as a starter to an ongoing topic, something that will be re-visited again.

Peace,

ClX

Wolverine it ain't

This past Thrusday I went to see the new X-men movie, Wolverine: Origins.  I'd heard a couple of peoples takes on it and for the most part they were less than mediocre.  Now I'm a comic book fan, have been since I was in grade school and I knew well the history of the X-men and Wolverine.  I also am well aware that the true Origins of Wolverine have never actually be confirmed, there are lots of dark alleys and false avenues with him and his past.  There are known bits and pieces that has led to a lot of turmoil in his life but which has also led to some fantastic story arcs.
Now not wanting to just bank on what 'others' had said my buddy Greg and I went and saw the movie.  I sat quietly through the movie and wanted to reserve my opinion until the very end when the credit were rolling.
When the movie ended I looked over at Greg and we both gave a see-saw hand gesture, we were mid-line on it.  Now that was immediately after the movie had ended and we hadn't had time to let it sink in.  In the hours following the end of the movie my midrange view of the movie started to steadily decline and I didn't even realize it until I took the time to talk to someone about it and it was at that point that I realized that the movie really wasn't worth the money spent to see it.
For the most part the story was very shoddy, everyone you are intorduced to is killed inside 5 minutes of their name/character appearing on screen.  You don't get to know anyone at all, anyone that happens to be alive at the end of the movie is still a very one dimensional character.  I honestly felt the only character that was worth the time spent was Sabertooth, I personally felt that Liev Shreiber did a solid job portraying that character and kept him fairly close to the kind of character he is in the comics.  Beyond that everything else in the movie was very much wasted, even the CG was garbage.  At this day in age if you aren't pulling off good CG then you shouldn't be hyped as a big movie.  Now I'm not saying that a movie has to have CG or has to have good CG but it has to know it's own limitations and work within them, Wolverine was very very poorly done, they tried to accomplish far more than they were able to pull of, CG wise.  There was a LOT of stuff that either didn't look right or looked very fake/poorly done.
Don't even get me started about the appearance of Deadpool at the end, that character was SO far wrong in how he was done that it was a joke.

I want to make it clear that I understand with comic book adaptation to movie there are things that have to be compromised and things that have to be edited/changed so far though the comic book movies that I've seen that are worth the watch are the ones that try and stay as close to the lines of the comic book as possible.

Getting away from the Wolverine Movie I'm tending to think that it might be worth my while to look at changing the layout of my blog.  This layout was left over from my previous run at blogging and though I am still into the Japanese look/feel I don't think that this is accurately portraying what it is that I'm trying to put forward.  Black with Orange writing doesn't seem to do it for me anymore.
Perhaps a face lift, of blogging proportions, is in order.

Peace,

ClX

Starting Over

I'm restarting this blog.  I've scrapped everything that I had originally posted here, it was a dark and uncertain time and frankly just thinking about it put me in a negative place.  So I've tossed out all the old posts and am starting fresh.  I'm going to make an effort to try and make this a regular thing that I do.  With my original blog I was trying to post 4 or more times a week, well that quickly disappeared.  I'm going to make the effort to truly get at least 2 posts a week up here.  Now that may vary somewhat.  If something big happens or there are a lot of things I want to talk about then I could easily end up doing more than 2 posts a week but for the mean time I'm only going to hold myself to the 2 posts.

What am I getting out of this?  This is something that I've started asking myself.  I know for a fact that this is able to help me with my ultimate goal of becoming a writer, at least in some recognizable capacity.  Something that I'm seeing and that only just occurred to me was that it is very difficult to become a writer these days.
Well....it is and it isn't.
As far as writing goes I know I'm not as motivated about it as I should be in order to make myself a decent amount of money with it.  In order to make money with writing I'd have to be willing to write on a very regular and very continuous basis and I don't see myself doing that, at least not yet.  I don't exactly know why I don't have the supreme motivation be a consistent writer.  That's perhaps why one of the reasons I'm doing this blog, to keep me motivated into doing something that is worth while and will help push me creatively.

There are a few topics that I know I'm going to touch on in the next little while, there are also topics I know I'm going to shy away from because of the negative pull they can end up having related to this blog.  As far as personal/life information goes I really can't say how that will play out here but, again, there are things that I'm really going to steer away from posting.

I think this is a good spot to leave this blog at for now.

Peace,

ClX